It is early morning, a little after 8am. Both the children and the man have left. Peace...... Until the gardener arrives blasting outside his blower and echoing through my house. It seems whatever room I go into, they are right outside encroaching upon my this space. As I run from them.
I realize how these sounds are mirroring the madness of my mind and my thoughts of the past 2 days. Relentless. Horribly critical. Condemning. As I run from room to room, I start to laugh between my tears of utter frustration. I am trapped here. I am trapped in my mind. It is the perfect illustration of what is happening inside.
It seems Rachel and Vicky are here and they WILL be heard. I am bruised and beaten.
God, when I can see the mirror of it all. It does not make it change or hurt less....but I did laugh. And I got outside of myself for a moment and it looked like a cartoon. Me running around, crazy chichi's barking viciously, the old Lab Leon as well, the sound getting louder and louder and louder.........
The craziness of following the wild trips the mind endlessly takes me on. Without doing anything deeply creative and therapeutic it all gets locked inside of me and turns in on itself. The gift of many years of acting was exploring all my shit. And there is a lot to explore. Discover. Uncover. Recover. This process does not stop until one takes their last breath.
I want to unfold. For where I am filed, there I am a lie. Rilke
The world is so big and yet it is so small. I judge myself deeply to the core. I don't need your assistance. Thank you. This is a shallow dive back into expressing through the word. Without a plan or destination in mind. Just a sharing. Love and Light